I have a big ol’ nasty resentment.
I’ve carried it for a couple of years now. I know that I shouldn’t have resentments, and in fact, my twelve-step program says that I run the risk of getting drunk over a resentment.
But it is just too juicy to let go. Every time I feel wicked, I conjure up this resentment and chew on it for a while. I imagine all types of scenarios when I confront this person and let ‘er rip. I have the power to make that person feel small. To cry. To feel bad for ever.
But then as I drove home last night, a hundred miles through a raging rain and windstorm, I realized that I would never confront that person, because to do all those wonderful/horrible things of my fantasy imagination would be injurious. And purposefully injuring someone–justified or not–isn’t in keeping with my idea of living a spiritual life.
It spreads no joy. It bears no spiritual fruit. It is, in fact, anathema to my life’s purpose.
So I’ve given it up. If I’m never going to do the damage I so ached to inflict, what’s the purpose of carrying around the resentment?
What makes this blog-worthy to me is that I would risk 27 years of sobriety over this stupid resentment (a small risk, and yet…), but when I realized that holding onto it not only retards my spiritual progress, but might, in some small way, retard the spiritual progress of our planet, I suddenly found it easy to let this resentment go.
I am much lighter today.
And I have started to think about that person in a completely different way, too. That can’t help but be a good thing.